Depression Sucks

But I will say this...what I'm feeling is difficult, but it's nothing like the pit of despair I was in during late 2003 when I was pregnant with Christian. That was the Granddaddy of depression. I don't ever want to be there again. Ever. Therefore, as hard as this is, I have some perspective. I know how bad it an be, and this certainly isn't it.

In contrary, this depression is manageable and workable. I still work out almost every day. I still laugh and find humor. I'm still motivated to do what needs to be done. But the dark cloud is still there and it still sucks (not the weather-related dark clouds that I welcome with open arms!). On the flipside, this is also more complicated than that really abhorrent stuff I previously experienced. What I experienced in 03' was very chemical/clinical. I feel this present crap is more situational and complicated. There are a lot of feelings floating around and the complicated nature of it is just crashing into a big pile of depressive goo. I know that doesn't make sense. But this is an open/public blog, and I don't want to get too specific.

In some ways I feel betrayed. I feel scared. I feel like I've failed in some way. I feel like I used to be able to conquer anything and have an optimistic view of what I could do. But now, in some ways I feel defeated and I see just how realistic and limited my abilities really are. And when I try to do the right things for my family, and even with the support of Chris, we still just crash and burn. It's so frustrating and well, depressing.

If any of this is post-partum related depression, that's about as far as it goes with the baby having anything to do with it. I love my baby and want to do everything I can for him. It is a pure joy having him in our lives. I guess having him though brings more complicated feelings with the realities of life, such as having to go back to work, and balancing him with the other two kids. And even though they love him, there is still an adjustment to be made for them and anyone who has been in similar situations can tell you - it's stressful.

I also have perspective with the blessings we have. Our children are healthy. Alexander is even on breathing treatments for "probable" RSV, but if this makes sense, he has a "healthy" version of it. He's hearty and doing well. After over a week, Chris finally got over his flu and is returning to work. And as awful as Chris's flu was, I don't think we would have taken Alexander to the doctor as quick as we did if it wasn't for Chris's flu. Therefore, there are some blessings in disquise. Alexander's probable RSV was caught early due to Chris's illness.

And I made it through my first 4 days back at work. How many to go? My friend Lara suggested making a paper chain. I might just do that! For now, I'm looking forward to Spring Break in 3 weeks.

The Crew - 2/20/11
Mikelle 10, Christian almost 7, Alexander 8 1/2 weeks

Alexander 8 weeks
How can anyone resist this face?

2 Months Old!!!
2/22/11

9 1/2 Weeks
2/26/11