Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Material Just Writes Itself...

I’ve been told time and time again I should try stand-up comedy. I’ve also been told I should write a book about my life as a mom, artist, wife, Mormon, weirdo, whatever….

Well, first of all, while I wouldn’t be afraid to speak in front of people and have “You
SUCK! You suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” yelled towards me with an olive or ice cube pelted at my face, getting started in stand-up would involve a lot of time away from my family. And as I already mentioned, that time away would contain bad audiences, heckling and travel that would feel pointless while trying to “break in” to the business. That would be fine if I was single or didn’t have any children. But the time being heckled, traveling and living out of motel rooms is not appealing if it also means experiencing that in lieu of being with my family. Plus, think of all the material I would miss not being with them!

As for the book, just time set aside for this blog is already pushing it. Plus, I’d rather go for writing the young adult fiction that I’ve dabbled with in the past. I actually have three of those books written. Published? Yeah, right. That’s a tough one too. Too much of what I’m familiar with is wrapped up in the LDS culture for me to write to a more general Christian or Judeo-Christian audience. But writing to just the LDS audience has pitfalls as well.  My personality in my writing and some edgy topics would rub some LDS readers the wrong way. And by readers, I mean, the LDS publishers that are out of UTAH wouldn’t like it. No, the plots are nothing controversial, but certain situations and character traits that would be explored are probably still pushing the limits within that Utah bubble.

If there was an LDS-based publisher that existed outside of the Utah “crazy” that would give my prose a read, I might have a chance. But there isn’t. I’m a Muggle, and an obnoxious one at that. I'm certainly not worthy of their stamp of publishing approval. I could just hear them now reading my manuscript (think Dana Carvey ‘Church Lady’ voice)…. “Oh, that’s just not appropriate…. That would not be uplifting to our readers…...  "What is her problem? Oh, I don't know...could it be...........SATAN?"

Therefore, for me to be published, I’d have to do it myself. That takes money. I don’t have that. 

So here we are - back at the beginning of this entry. 

But the “book” I’ve been told to write is more in the Erma Bombeck style of typical life. A more humorous non-fiction approach. 

I don’t know. Maybe. There is certainly enough of my own crazy around here to fill the pages.

I mean, remember the nickel last December? If you do, then you’re probably one of the 7 people that read this blog. Thanks for believing in me, person #1 – 7! (insert your name there)

However, if you are somehow here because you’re lost and did not read the “nickel” entry, click here.

So we know X-man likes to put things in his mouth. Many kids do. Most kids do! There's a reason labels like "choking hazard" are placed on things, and certain toys are only approved for kids that are older.

Alexander, however, took it to a new level with the nickel four and half months ago (especially with it getting stuck in his esophagus and having the nickel manage to be sitting vertically within it) and therefore needing to be removed surgically.

Well, it happened again yesterday. No, not a nickel.

A phone.

A phone?! Holy crap, Jill…He swallowed a PHONE?

Yes. Yes he did.

Monopoly Cell Phone Game Piece
Okay, it was one of those Monopoly game pieces. Yes, the cell phone piece.

THIS piece. And here’s another picture below to get an idea of size.

Yeah, so, Alexander and I were playing “phone”. He was pantomiming a phone with his hand to his ear. He then handed me my iPod and he said it was my phone, so I pretended to talk in it. Then he ran in the other room. I guess that’s when he had the bright idea to get the Monopoly phone piece.

Well, I go in there just in time to see him standing at the couch with a real distressed look on his face. Then a gaggy noise came out with a cry. I asked him eagerly what happened. He said, while crying and kind of gagging, “the phone….”

I knew exactly what he was 
talking about.
Here it is on a hand with other pieces to give an idea of its size...

Oh my holy hell. Again?

We’re doing THIS again?

Are you kidding me? Really? He didn’t learn his lesson with the nickel?

He cried some more and he said, “I need to go to the doctor!”

Yeah, no kidding.

I thought I was going to be taking him directly to the Children’s hospital in Mesa (that he’s been admitted to TWICE already in his short life).

But then the gagging stopped. He pointed kind of at his chest and tummy area of where it “hurt”. So if that’s where it was, it wasn’t stuck in his throat/esophagus – at least not in his neck/collar area like the nickel was.

Do I just do nothing? Wait 24-48 hours or so for it to “show up” on the other end?

I wasn’t sure.

I called Chris because I believe it’s his side of the family that is to blame for this happening again.

“You know that Monopoly phone piece?” I asked him.

“What, did he swallow it?”

Chris knew I wouldn’t be calling him at work to just shoot the breeze and especially about the modern updated Monopoly pieces that have a cell phone, so yes, he guessed correctly.

He wanted me to take Alexander to the doctor’s office.

:Sigh: We’ve been through this before, Babe. There’s no X-ray machine there. And the previous two incidents when I took him to an Urgent Care or close by ER, he ended up at the Children’s hospital (20-25 miles away) anyway. So if I took X-man anywhere, it would be directly to the Children’s hospital.

Then Chris reminded me of the ER co-pay verses the doctor’s co-pay. But I just don’t think that way when it comes to my children. Money is no object if it is a matter of life or death or something serious like another foreign object ingested by his toddler. Okay, Alexander is mine too (he has my eyes.... :-) ), but I already said I don’t take blame for the genetics that are responsible for this occurring again. (Well, I think I sniffed a popcorn kernel up my nose once, but I’m not sure). Anyway, I’ll go into a debt for millions of dollars if it meant saving their life or getting the problem taken care of.

But Alexander wasn’t gagging or throwing up or even acting like he was in pain. In fact, he was acting rather normal. My worry then became – would the piece block something important, like an entrance from the small intestine to large intestine? Or stomach? His colon? What about the metal in the piece? Poisoning?

But something told me to just chill. I didn’t need to take him anywhere. I watched him like a hawk, however, but he was acting rather normal.

However, a couple of hours later, Chris showed up home early. He observed him and also saw that he was acting normal. I said, "It happened because we were having fun and playing phone." 

Chris said, "No, it happened because he's a BUTT."

Chris decided to take him to the doctor. I knew not much would be able to be accomplished there, but hey, he was taking him to find that out. Of course the doctor sent them to acquire X-rays down the road at an imaging facility. By then I was done with the junior high carpool, so I joined them. 

However, before that, when I picked Mikelle up from school and told her what happened, her response was something like, "Again? We need to just make him wear a muzzle."

That wasn't the only comment I received that day. When you're home alone with such a toddler and they ingest a Monopoly game piece and you're not sure if you should take him or wait, it's nice to have interaction with other humans. Sure, some may be more helpful than others, but that's true to all human interaction. 

Other comments from friends included:
"Seriously? OMG Jill your life gives me hope!!!"

"Oy. Did your mom ever give you the Mother's Curse?"

"Do you guys have a nick name of "the goat" for him? Just curious..."

"I swear that it would save me money to just buy an x-ray machine for my house. My boys tend to be a bit injury prone."

 (I was thinking that too...just invest in an X-ray! I mean, really!)

And simple, but rather to the point: 

"That kid..."

And of course the ol' stand-by truth:

"Good thing he's cute!" 

Anyway, so Chris and I took him down the road to the imaging facility. Yeah, you know how easy it is to get that kid to be still for an X-ray? Well, it's not. But yep – there it was on the X-ray.  Down on the left (Alexander’s right) near the pelvis area, so I’m guessing it already made it to the lower intestine 6+ hours after the initial ingestion.

Earlier today. Yeah, just sit there and look like a cute, innocent little hipster while you have a Monopoly game piece work its way through your body. You don't have us fooled.

If you’re wondering what happened next, I don’t know yet either! As of 36+ hours after the incident, the cell phone has not made it back on the outside. And you don't want to know just how I know that for a fact. 
We Moms do what we have to do.

Yeah, I should write a book.

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