Sunday, January 8, 2012

Bi-Polar Days

No, technically I'm not Bi-Polar. That said, we have our bi-polar moments, don't we? I've had some bi-polar weeks. While I enjoy staying home and the huge burden of a broken educational system that I no longer have to directly deal with (teaching) is lifted off of me, I am frustrated that I am not working. I don't want to be away from my kids, especially my X-man (who is home all day). However, I don't feel I'm pulling my weight. 

Chris insists that I am putting too much pressure on myself and I'm not supposed to worry about that right now. Well, I am. I didn't obtain a college degree to just wait for Chris's payday to roll around. Also, I'm disheartened that while highly complimented and regarded, none of my work is moving at the gallery

Logically, I realize it's tough economic times and there's a difference between liking art and liking it enough to buy it, but it's still frustrating. My dream would be to make a living at the creation of art and not having to go back to a broken educational system. I can be at home, yet create, sell and have that flexibility! That is where most of my mixed feelings are. When teaching, I love the students and the relationships that I build. But on the flip-side, I hate the games and lack-luster administration. And when you have the one demon kid with a loud-mouthed parent that wants to throw you under the bus for simply doing your job, a crap administration can really cause some gray hairs. It really takes the satisfaction and benefit out of something that is important to the majority of the students.

Sure, if you have a good administration - great! But if there's a bad one, it's bad. I hear the new principal at the high school I resigned from last May is great. I would have stayed on, but it was more important to stay home with my X-man. 

This is rather accurate!

However, when or if I do go back to teaching, will it be better? Will there be more funding for supplies? Teaching art is great, but when you don't have the supplies, it is a real challenge. And that's putting it lightly. To make it worse, they were supposed to collect fees for supplies, but the incompetence at the time didn't follow up on that. But I digress. I know, I know. I need to think forward. These are just things that concern me and I worry about facing if I do have to go back to teaching eventually.

Next comes the "where" I would return to teaching. Will it be Wickenburg? We have been wanting to move there for some time. Chris's commute as it stands is just too much. I know I should be happy that we have the land in Wickenburg and it's a step in the right direction. We walked the land again yesterday and while I was happy to be reminded again that it is "ours", it just seems so out of reach to be able to start building and ending up where we need to be. It just feels like it's not going to happen. Then comes the feelings of "not pulling my weight" again in order to contribute financially and the frustration of not selling any artwork and how great it would be if it can take off and how much it'll help take us where we need to be. It's a vicious cycle.

And since I don't want to end on a "bummer" note, this is just awesome. I completely agree with this:

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