Mixed Emotions: Shock and Anticipation...

April and May proved to be about mixed emotions and happy things verses worry. It also proved to be about grief and loss.
First of all, we are pregnant with our caboose. That's right, the.last.one. I am 11 weeks and feeling like CRAP! I knew I could potentially only do this one more time (and there was a question mark after Christian if we would even do this again - hence the 6-7 year gap), and we couldn't put it off anymore if it was to be. So here we are.

We planned this to hopefully get the sick part out of the way in the summer. I'm crossing my fingers that it'll be the worst of this pregnancy's problems. Christian's pregnancy proved otherwise. I hope it's not a repeat or worse than his was. So far, this one is milder than my other two, which I'm grateful, but we're still only 11 weeks along.
If all goes well, this little caboose will pull into the station sometime in mid to late December. I'm hoping for the mid-December end of that.

However, before we were really announcing this pregnancy, tragedy struck our family. It really was one of those "out of the blue" things. I'm still trying to come to terms with it. On May 1st, our dear brother in law, Gary Hatch passed away suddenly from a pulmonary embolism. He was only 45. This is the husband of Chris's oldest sister, AnneMarie. It was quite shocking and to add to the shock, 2 days earlier was my birthday and he and I were talking on Facebook (bantering and joking around) and just the day before that, we were talking about some local issues from down here in hell (I mean, Arizona). Then...just like that, he was gone. By May 5th, we had arrived in Utah and prepared for the funeral.

I am still having a hard time with this because let's face it, there are plenty of people we'd do better without on this planet. Gary wasn't one of them. He was needed here and loved here. He was only 45 years old and he needed to still be here as the father he was and a future grandfather. And on a personal note, he was one of the few in-laws I felt accepted by. I loved talking with him - maybe I even had a little of an intellectual crush on him. All that means is I wanted to be around him and talk and share ideas and philosophies with him. And I didn't feel alienated or judged by him.

However, my anger doesn't come from my own selfish reasons for loving him. It's who he was as a father, husband, brother, brother-in-law, son, etc, that my anger is mostly surfacing because of the void that everyone has without him. Not just me.
I put off writing about this because I didn't want my grief to still be projecting the anger I feel. But it's still here a month and a half later. I think of my dad who was nothing more than a bully and not humble enough to do what was right or try to understand others' feelings and he and his toxicity is still on this earth.

However, Gary is not.

Yeah, I'm still having a hard time with this. Therefore, in order for me to get away from my anger, I'll simply add his obituary here:

Gary Layne Hatch passed away unexpectedly on May 1, 2010. Born September 15, 1964 in Salt Lake City, Utah to LaRelle J Hatch and Jacqueline Deanna Roberts.

Gary had great gifts for learning and teaching. He became a university professor because he wanted a life of learning and to help others improve their lives. He wore his scholarship lightly, however, and was beloved by all who knew him, from esteemed scholars to the most humble Boy Scout.

Preceded in death by his father, Gary is survived by his wife, AnneMarie, sons Aubrey and Carson, daughter Maren, his mother, and four siblings: Geoff, Deanna (Trump), David, and Bryan. Aubrey currently serves in the LDS Berlin, Germany Mission. Gary graduated from Bingham High School where he was Senior Class President, Sterling Scholar, and state debate champion. He served an LDS mission in Copenhagen, Denmark.

He attended BYU as a Kimball Scholar and there he met AnneMarie Henrichsen. They married in the Mesa, Arizona temple on May 31, 1986. In 1992, he received a Ph.D. from Arizona State University and took a position as a BYU Professor of English and most recently as Associate Dean of Undergraduate Education.

He was also former committee chair and current chief reader for the national Advanced Placement English Language test. A member of the American Fork Hillcrest 4th Ward and dedicated scouter, Gary served in numerous callings.

He also served as Bishop of the BYU 14th Ward. Gary enjoyed piano, camping, all types of literature, food, and travel. His is a rare soul. He was a husband, father, scholar, and Scouter. Through his teaching, church service, and scouting he influenced thousands of people. He was a devoted husband. He was both a father and friend to his children.

His family and friends will sorely miss his kindness and quirky sense of humor. A viewing will be held on May 6, 2010 at the LDS Chapel on 350 W. 700 N. American Fork from 6 to 8 PM. The funeral will be held Friday, May 7, 2010 at 11 AM with viewing prior from 9 to 10:30 AM. Interment at the American Fork Cemetery. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made for the children to the Fund for Gary Hatch Family at the Bank of American Fork.

One of the best images I personally have to capture just what kind of person Gary was, was the interaction I captured between he and Mikelle back in October 2001. She was only 14 months and you can see the bond they had as uncle and niece and how that bond can communicate his personality and love as a father and future grandfather. (Click on it to see it in more detail) This is also viewed better on my FB page in my photos.

Flags were half-staff at BYU on the May 7th, the day of his funeral:

I want to add images from the burial, but I'll end this entry for now.